SA
by Sum1cooler
Summary: Sex Anonymous. Five couples enter a S.A. meeting, directed by Katie, to solve their sexual problems. Cargan, Kames, Camille/Steve, Jo/Jett and Mercedes/Guitar dude. T rating for mention of sex and humorous moments.


I had a lot of fun writing this. =]

* * *

><p><strong>S.A.<strong>

"I am not talking about this!" Kendall exclaims crossing his arms and legs on the small metal chair. Nine other people sitting around in a circle whisper in agreement. "Katie, you are too young to listen and fix all of our problems."

"Age is not important." She scoffs writing on her note pad. "Even though I'm younger than all of you, I am the best at treating your problems."

"There is NO way I'm telling your sister my problem." James shrieks. "And I'm not telling my problems to nine other people that I know."

"This is a S.A. meeting as in anonymous. You don't know them."

"This is stupid." Logan states. "We all live in the Palmwoods. We know each other."

"Listen!" Katie yells over them. "Bitters and Griffin won't let any of you leave this meeting if I don't say that you're all fixed. So let's just get this over with." She turns her head to a clean, manicured hand in the air. "Yes Mercedes?"

"Yea, like how long is this going to take? I mean, I have a spa appointment soon and my daddy will get mad if you keep me here."

"Well, your 'daddy' is paying me some amount I'm not allowed to disclose to fix you, so the sooner I can help everyone, the soon we get leave." Everyone sighs and moans. "Ok, first, I like to introduce everyone."

"Katie, we said we know everyone here." Her brother angrily shouts.

"Meeting protocol in the contract states I have to do this and create a name for each couple." She stands up and points to each couple one by one. "This is Cargan."

"What is Cargan?" Carlos asks Logan. Logan rolls his eyes.

"This is JJ."

"I'm the first J because well, I'm Jett." He flashes a smile.

"Really Jett?" Jo says annoyed. "That is what you're thinking about?"

"Moving on, this is Kames."

"Typical." James scowls. "Kendall dominates the name like he does in bed."

"This is Samille." Katie continues quickly before someone interrupts. "And the last couple is Merdude."

"Killer name, dude." Guitar Dude sings, bobbing his head.

Katie sits down and smiles. "So who wants to go first?" No one answers. "Alright then, Team Cargan, what is your problem?"

They blush at the sudden question. "Well…" Logan starts. "We don't have a problem. I mean we had sex and are pretty happy." He answers nervously, blushing a storm.

"That's a lie!" James yells shocking everyone. "Carlos says Logan blushes too much during sex."

"JAMES!" Carlos yells. "Shut up! That is a secret."

"No, I want to get out of this meeting as soon as possible, so get over your problem."

"Fine, I blush a lot but that's because I'm not good enough for Carlos. That's why we only did it once."

"Really Logie?" Carlos asks staring into Logan's eyes. "I thought you don't want to make love because I'm too small for you."

"No, you're perfect well you're incredible and big. I just thought that maybe I'm not sexy enough for you to want to"

"Aaa!" Kendall interupts them, making everyone groan. "No, my sister is not going to hear Logan talk about what Carlos does to him."

"Carlos fucks Logan like you fucked me hard every day. Oops sorry Katie." James blurts, staring at Kendall. "I guess she knows now."

"Kendall, sit down." Katie commands watching her brother grit his teeth. "Continue Logan."

"Well I love you Carlos. I just want to pleasure you as much as possible." Logan continues. Carlos pouts his lips as his eyes begin to water.

"I love you too Logie Bear." He leans kissing Logan, cupping his cheeks and ignoring that they are displaying a huge show of affection.

"Aww that's cute." Katie checks off Cargan as 'cured' on her notepad. "Ok who's next?" She looks at the unsure remaining groups. "The faster someone volunteers, the faster we get out."

"I'll go." Jo reluctantly volunteers pointing to her boyfriend who is staring at himself in his hand mirror. "Jett has a fetish of having sex in a room filled with mirrors."

"What is wrong with that?" He shrugs his shoulders not even looking at Jo's face. "I look good and I need to see every single angle of my performance."

Jo twists her face in disgust. "See Katie. I can't have sex with a guy that would rather watch himself have sex than actually have sex."

"I don't see the problem." James vocalizes.

"Thank you, a-less-hot-version of me."

James rolls his eyes. "I love to record myself with Kendall. I did that yesterday."

"Oh god!" Kendall says closing his eyes and pinching his nose. "Why don't we tell my whole family all of my sexual escapades?"

"What escapades?" James emphasizes the 's'. "There is only one escapade. You only fucked me. I never get to fuck you!" He shouts.

"That's because I'm better than you at it." Kendall faces his angered boyfriend.

"How do you know? I never got to try it."

"Wait James, that's your problem?" Jo asks getting a nod from the brunette. "I got a solution for the both of us; we switch boyfriends. Jett does not care what happens to him as long as he has a mirror and I just want someone to make love to me."

"No Jo, we broke up." Kendall answers quickly. "There is no way I will give up James."

"No Kendall, this is good." She tries to convince her ex-boyfriend. "I don't have male parts so you can be dominant all you want. You can be rough and hard all you want." Kendall squints hearing Jo talk about rough sex and sneaks a peek at his "should be innocent" sister.

"I don't care who is in bed with me." Jett adds combing his hair with his hand. "I look really good in bed naked, not doubt."

"You sure do." Katie whispers. "I mean, Kendall what do you think?"

"No to Jo. I rather let James take control than go back." Kendall answers. "I love James too much to give him up over this stupid S.A. meeting."

"You mean it?" James asks sincerely.

"I guess but I don't know if I can handle all of you. I mean you have a really big you know."

"Dick."

"Katie!" Kendall yells glancing at her for using the cursed word when she is only a preteen.

"It's ok Kendall." James grabs both Kendall's hand, locking their eyes to one another. "I promise to go slow and be gently."

"Promise?"

"Promise." James leans in pressing a quick peck on Kendall. James turns around and winks at Carlos, silently telling him that he is going to rough Kendall tonight.

"Wait." Jo interjects. "What about my problem?"

"Jo, aren't you going to New Zealand soon" Katie asks flipping through a few papers.

"Yea, in a week. Wait, how do you know that?" She asks crossing her arms.

"I have a copy of everyone's records and contracts." Katie pulls out the cover paper of her contract. "Problem solved, just live a week without sex and then get a hot guy in New Zealand."

"I guess I can try that." Jo huffs noticing Kendall and James high fiving each other.

"Does that mean I get more alone time with Jett?" Jett asks. Jo face-palms herself thinking why she dating the narcissistic guy.

"Yes." Katie answers. "But if you need someone Jett I am"

"Stop Katie!" James yells. "Kendall and I do not approve of you liking him." He squeezes Kendall's hand.

"_Suck up._" Katie coughs eying the tall brunette. "Yes, you are alone Jett." She checks off two more couples. "Samille, what is your problem."

Camille sighs. "Sorry Kendall if I sound too dirty or bad in front of your sister."

"It's ok Camille." Kendall sighs too. "Apparently Katie knows a lot more that she should know."

"Ok thanks Kendall. Well my problem is I want to have more sex but Steve does not want to."

"And how many times do you have sex a week?" Katie asks.

"Which week?" Steve asks.

"Last week." Katie says with an obvious tone.

"None."

Katie records it in her notes. "The week before that?"

"None." Camille answers.

"Ok, how many times did you have sex?" Katie bluntly asks.

"Once." Camille says. "We had sex once and Steve won't have sex anymore." She cries.

"Steve, was the sex bad?" Katie notices James holding her brother back.

"Horrible. It was the worst sex I ever had."

"How can you say that?" Camille cries. "I actually had an orgasm."

Katie chuckles seeing James muffling and stopping Kendall from jumping Camille for saying sex terms. Apparently Kendall is very protective of his sister. "Ok so… Camille says good and Steve says bad. What about you Steve, did you have an orgasm?"

"No, I did not." He punctuated each word. "Let's just say it was horrible sex, end of discussion." He crosses his arms.

"Sorry Steve." Katie apologizes. "That is not how the meeting works. You have to tell us why the sex sucks."

"Yea Steve." Camille stutters. "Why did it suck?"

"Because you yelled out Logan's name!" Everyone gasps and Katie drops her pen. Carlos turns his head and stares at Logan's red face.

"Are you ok Logie?" Carlos asks caressing his arm. Logan doesn't move.

"What did you say?" Camille asks her boyfriend.

"You screamed Logan right before you reached your climax and fell asleep." Steve says fisting the fabric of his loose pants.

"I don't remember that." Camille exclaims. "I would never say Logan. Well if I had sex with him I would say it BUT I DIDN'T!"

"And I suppose I was imagining you yelled your ex-boyfriend's name during sex?"

"Ok Samille!" Katie stops them. "Maybe it was an accident. Maybe Camille didn't mean to short out Logan." Camille nods her head.

"Wait, Camille." Jett finally puts down his mirror. "Why did you scream Logan and not Jett?" Everyone groans and Jo gives him a death glance.

"Really, why did I date you?" She rhetorically asks.

"Because I'm hot and I'm Jett." He responds not grasping her tone.

"Ok this is getting us no where." Camille screams throwing her hands in the air. "Katie, what can we do to fix us?"

"Well, when did you have sex?"

"Last month."

"When did you break up with Logan?"

"Last month... Oh that makes sense!" Camille connects two and two.

"Maybe Samille should have waited at least a month after a break up before having sex." Katie points out. "Steve, I think you should try and have sex with Camille again. I bet she will say your name this time."

"Ok Dr. Knight." Steve turns and faces Kendall. "I think your sister is really good at giving sex talks." He whispers in Kendall's ear making the blonde dig his nails in his palms.

"Ok and the last group's problem is…" Katie turns to face them. She drops her face noticing that they are completely in their own world. Mercedes is buffing her nails and Guitar Dude is playing an air guitar. "Merdude!" She shouts getting their attention. "What is your problem?"

"I'm going to miss my spa date." Mercedes answers.

"No! Your sexual problem."

"Oh. He is cheating on me with his guitar."

"What?" Guitar dude stops playing his imaginary instrument. "How can I cheat on you with a guitar?"

Mercedes sighs and rolls her eyes. "You bring the guitar to bed every night. What am I suppose think? That you sleep with it too?"

"It's a guitar." He restates. "As in, it's not alive."

"humph. Like that will stop you."

"Well what about you and your problems?"

"What about my problems?" She smacks her lips.

"You keep talking about Logan."

"What is up with Logan?" Jett yells. "I'm the hot one. He's the freakin' nerd who can't go through sex without blushing."

"Hey. You don't talk about Logie like that." Carlos responds wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. "I love it when Logie blushes. He looks like a cute tomato."

"A cute tomato is nothing compare to a hot Jett."

"Agr!" Jo moans. "Stop talking about yourself in the third person. You are so annoy inside and outside the bedroom."

"No wonder why you dumped her." James whispers in Kendall's ear. "She nags a lot." They laugh.

"What is wrong with the world?" Steve says. "Is everyone going to moan Logan's name in bed tonight?"

Logan blushes and sinks into Carlos' arm. "Of course. My boyfriend is hot. Who wouldn't yell Logie in bed?"

"Ok, stop guys!" Katie intervenes. "We just have one more couple left and then we can go. Can't we just solve one more couple and then leave?"

"Fine." They all mumble.

"Good. Mercedes, why do you talk about Logan so much?"

"Truthfully, he is a better boyfriend."

"Why don't you date him then?" Guitar Dude snaps, flicking his hand at the blushing pale boy."

"No! Logie is my boyfriend."

"No one is trading boyfriends!" Katie points her pen at Carlos. "Mercedes, why do you think Logan is a better boyfriend?"

"Well, Logan has girly fingers, slender and soft, not like Guitar Dude's rough hands."

"That's it?" Katie asks. Mercedes nods her head. "So you like Logan more because of his fingers."

"I also think they are adorable." Carlos adds.

"Anyways…" She glares at Carlos. "If Guitar Dude gets a manicure with you every week, would that stop you from talking about Logan?"

"Duh." Mercedes sounds. "That's the only thing good about Logan."

"What!" Logan shrieks. James and Kendall burst in laughter.

"So if I get a manicure, you'll love me more?" Guitar Dudes asks holding her hand.

"Sure, I guess." She answers. "As long as that guitar is not on the bed tonight."

"Deal." They hug each other.

"Finally!" Katie jumps up and stretches. "We are done and all of you may go. God, listening to your adult problems is tedious."

"What is that suppose to mean?" Logan asks.

"Well…" Katie starts flipping to the first page of her notes. "Logan blushes in bed. Carlos is insecure about his penis size. Jo is desperate for someone to look at her during sex. Jett is a hot, sexy, incredible"

"Stop it Katie!" Kendall yells.

"No Kendall. Let your incredibly smart sister continue." Jett says flashing a smile at her.

Katie giggles before continuing. "Jett is a perfect narcissist, I don't think he has a problem, but moving on. James has too much sexual frustration. Kendall has control issues. Steve is jealous of Logan and not Jett. Camille has ex-boyfriend problems. Guitar dude has an affair with his guitar. And Mercedes has a finger fetish."

She closes her book. "Yea, your problems are tedious but at least I got paid per person." She walks out the door pulling her fat wallet out of her pocket.

"Your sister is good, Kendall." James whispers.

"I will never be able to understand her." Kendall shakes his head. "But I guess I can try something new tonight." He smirks as James tugs him out of the room.

"Come on boyfriend." Mercedes drags him out. "We are going to the spa."

"Radical!"

"You want to go on a date Camille and start over?" Steve asks extending his hand.

"I love too." She locks their fingers and strolls out.

"I want you tonight." Jett says to a mirror as he walks out of the room.

Jo sighs taking out her phone. "Maybe I can get an earlier flight to new Zealand." She murmurs walking out, leaving only two boys left in the room.

"You're so popular logie." Carlos plays with his fingers. "Everyone is thinking about you in bed."

"But you want to know a secret." Logan places a hand on Carlos' thigh.

"What?" Carlos asks feeling Logan's hand moving north.

"I only think about you." He ghosts next to Carlos' ear. "Let's go to our room."

Carlos eagerly jumps up and pulls Logan out.

* * *

><p>I hope you had a laugh or two =] Please review =]<p> 


End file.
